An Unhappy Marriage: How to Know When It's Really Over
Posted: Sunday, August 06, 2006
by Larry Bilotta
Larry Bilotta
It's a fact. There are a lot of people who feel unhappy in their marriage. But the real question many of them are asking themselves is, how do I know when my marriage is really over?
Is it when your spouse says, "I don't love you anymore?" Is it after an affair takes place? How do you REALLY know? Keep reading to find out how to identify the warning signs that often indicate your spouse has given up on your marriage.
What is the Point of No Return in a marriage? Is there such a thing? After working with couples for over 11 years, I've identified a specific "path" that couples travel on the way to divorce. And at the end of this path is what I call...The Point of No Return.
But I'm getting ahead of myself...let me back up for a second.
In most cases, your marriage is NOT over when:
- Your spouse moves out
- When your spouse says the infamous, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore"
- When your spouse threatens you with divorce
And believe it or not, in some cases, your marriage is NOT even over when...your spouse files for divorce.
Your marriage is NOT over when your spouse begs, pleads, argues, screams, storms out of the house or turns the whole family against you.
Quite the contrary, The Point of No Return in a marriage IS confirmed when your spouse looks at you as if s/he were dead.
There is no life in your spouse's voice and no life in his/her eyes. Your spouse doesn't get angry with you. S/he simply tells you when the divorce papers are going to be served. S/he's already gone to the court house, found an attorney and has a service date set for the divorce proceedings.
Your marriage is most likely over when your spouse has made complete lists of assets and debts with your both of your names on them. Your spouse has already decided on the custody plan and cleaned out any bank accounts with their name and yours and closed all the credit cards that you share.
Your spouse has reached The Point of No Return when s/he already knows the courts require a 120 day waiting period and s/he has emotionally bolted him/herself in place for the long wait.
You've gone WAY beyond an "unhappy marriage" when your spouse has talked many times to the children about divorce and they are now either scared, angry, hurt, confused or emotionally shut down.
There's a good chance your marriage is over when your spouse doesn't care about how your children feel about it. S/he is only acting for his/her own survival at this point and s/he has repeatedly convinced him/herself that "The kids are good, they'll be fine." S/he may have even said that to friends and relatives.
This is the REAL Point of No Return. I've found that when your spouse has reached the Point of No Return, no one can save your marriage at this point. Not a priest, pastor or marriage counselor.
So How Did this Happen?
A marriage gets to this point because we live in a society that is convinced that once you are married, there is nothing you need to learn about marriage and nothing you need to practice.
All you need is love.
If you don't have love, then it's all your fault that your marriage failed. Because of this belief, you kept on doing exactly what you always did...your version of love.
You treated your spouse the same way your father treated your mother...or vice versa. You kept on doing the same thing and kept on getting the same results.
Your spouse could not help you to help him/her. No matter how many times s/he told you how to meet his/her needs, you couldn't hear...you just couldn't understand.
How do I know this?
I know it because every single divorce is built on the same system. When your emotional needs are not met in a marriage, anywhere from 1-3 of the situations listed below will begin to take place in your marriage.
Because you know virtually nothing about how to be married and how to support each other's needs, you have no way to stop these issues from happening:
- Affair
- Sex failure
- Communication break down
- No Loyalty
- In-Law problems
- Grew apart
- Fell out of love
- Blended family issues
- Abusive attitudes
- Depression
- Angry spouse
- No romance
- Ignores me
- Money problems
- Children problems
- Avoids me
If your spouse has not yet passed the Point of No Return, you can still save your marriage there is still hope for the two of you. But you need to do something TODAY to improve your unhappy marriage. Believe me, I get emails daily with stories about marriages that took a turn for the worst in a matter of WEEKS.
These people simply waited too long and before they knew it, their spouse had reached the Point of No Return. So my message to you is DON'T WAIT. Do something for your marriage TODAY...before it's too late. You can start by getting the FREE marriage advice you can use to fix your marriage at the http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com website.
Note: This article is not legal advice. It is not meant to replace marriage counseling.
Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you’re already on the "Secret Path" to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report here: overcome an unhappy marriage
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More commentsMy husband of 22 years pimped me out 20 years ago, saying that we would lose our house if I didn't turn tricks. I was so scared that I did it for 2 years. I should have kicked him out then. Why didn't I? Now when I finally get up the nerve to tell him I'm not happy, he can't understand why. I am still so angry. How could he do that? Our relationship has gone down steadily since then.
I am a 45 and married 4 years and known my husband for 6 in a half years we are on a break and living in same house. Its very hard to do this, but i don' t have anywhere to. He can stay with his parents, but he does not want to go. He prefers me to leave the house instead. My husband has an anger problem and admits it, but will not go to an anger management class. His temper has made me resent him and made me not want to be affectionate or even want to be with him nor even talk about anything, because i know it will become an arguement, which will get him to a temper that creats the devil in him. It has gotten to the point that i am not sure i want to continue this marriage. Many years of this and marrige counceling has not really helped
Ok, I'm going to be honest, I have been married almost 3 years, and I have cheated. Not only have I cheated, but I don't care. I loved my husband and I have given up, but the crazy thing is that he doesnt seem to notice. I want to leave my husband for my ex, move in with him, and be happy. I know this would come as a huge blow for my husband and parts of me care and other parts dont. I am in this situation where I work and go to school. My husband works. His mom, grandfather, and nephews and us share a house. Im not sure whose name is on the papers for the house, I never signed anything and I never seen him sign anything. I do know that the utility bills are in his mothers name, I was never asked if I wanted to have abything in my name. When we first began living with his mother after our lease was up on our apartment, I was in hell. I suffered a miscarriage and he acted as if he didnt care. I lost my job, and school was suffering because of the things that were goign on at home. When we all moved to a bigger house together, things got worse. I was getting into it left and right with his family, without him taking up for me. This huge responsibility was silently placed on me to help raise his nephews. My family can see how different I am, I am now going through the motions. I feel nothing, I am ready for this to be over.
i am 47y.o married 15 year and together for 20, 4 great kids. i get high daily . my wife has now given me the ultimatum, can't live w me doing that., says it's changed me. it's been a problem on and off for years. i say, i don't come home and have 2 scotches, i just like to kick it w a couple hits at nitetime. she used to doit w me but has now turned. other problems, lack of sex . poor communication , power struggles, if it weren't for the kids, i'd be gone. i know other women that i like and would pursue, but i am thinking i really don't want to be divorced now w 4 kids 8-16. i am thinking wait till the youngest graduates is that a mistake? i read people say, life is short,.... when not be happy. i'll be 57 then!! fuk, i'd rather get started w that now..... but what about the kids.... Signed, Rip - Torn.
i am 47y.o male, married 15 years together for 20. 4 great kids 8-16. i get high (smoke pot) at nite after kids go to bed. i like it to take the edge off the day... then kick it and watch tv . she has decided now thats not ok, and can't live w it. she used to do it w me but -no more. i tell her, i don't come home and drink 2 scotches or a 6 pack like many i know.... other problems, power struggles, communication breakdowns, don't really like to do similar things. she can be very moody w a quick temper, and at times just unpleasant to be around. she says I've changed, i say we've both changed...we do marriage counseling, anyway, like others here.... just not so happy lately..... but don't want to be divorced w 4 kids , nor does she. I'm thinking wait till youngest graduates High school, is that wrong? 10 yrs. i'll be 57.... and i don't want to spend 10 yrs "waiting" who know what can happen in 10 yrs. i want to be enjoying life, i mean, it's not totally miserable, just not really bliss w her or happiness or togetherness unless its around/about the kids. but i think there is more out there, recently saw an old friend of mine and put her together (in my mind) with this dream i have to take off on a sailing adventure she is not married and could do it.....
but don't want to do that to my kids at these ages...i signed up to be a dad and i got 10 more years of that, (which i do love every day- its what keeps me here....) thanks for all your posts, you inspired me to write this. let me know what you think.... Signed, Rip-Torn
I married my husband when I was 18 and I was still in high school. I walked across the stage of graduation Married, Pregnant and moving half way across the country due to Uncle Sam..My husband's new boss. We had a wonderful marriage that we destroyed when we decided to open our doors to the possibly of an open marriage. As a last resort in learning how to communicate. It worked for the next four years things couldn't have been better. Then we close the door on that lifestyle and I think we inadvertent closed the door on or marriage as well. We are both in our early 30's and since sex is getting to hard to do the right way (with emotion) and since he could seem to only be intimate with me every three to four weeks; we have just decided to hold hands and attempt to find the another avenue of trying to locate the emotional communication that is lost.Love still lives, but the need to want to be in love fully and wholeheartedly has; what I think taken an extended break. neither one of us wants a divorce but I can tell him why I don't want one why does he have a hard time emotionally telling me why he doesn't as well? Is it just not important?
I am married(not on paper). we have two beautiful children and have been together for seven yrs.Sometimes I feel trapped in a unhappy marriage and nowhere to turn.I have no family or friends around.I know it's unhealthy we have caused each other do much pain.everyone thinks we are so happy but when we are home or in private he is yelling or ignoring me.He does not realize he is a manic depressive.He runs from life and from his responsibilities.He is a great lover,father(at times),and person.I think I just bring out the worst in men.my biggest problem with him is that he's a pot head and he watches tv all day.he doesn't lift a finger around the house.he's old school he earns the money and I take care of driving,house chores,and the children.When he's out he is so sexy and charming! when he's home he is LAZY! I have no respect for laziness.I wish he would get a @#$%&*in hobbie other than watching tv and playing online poker.I sometimes wonder if it's my mom in my head getting so upset with him.she was always putting my dad down out of reaction to his temper,looking at women,not bringing in enough money......bull$%&*@$%& basically.i am really hard on men and have respect issues towards them.i just want to be full filled and happy! We have been through so much together.the problem is I don't want anyone else and I don't want to start over and find myself in the same place with someone who is not the father of my children and some I'm not so attracted to.Everytime I look at him I want him.we are a mixed couple I'm white he's black all men are basically the same color does not matter.he is so fine! I have such mixed up feeling about this man.
Good article. Point of no return?? Possibly, but I am the one past this point, not my spouse.
I recently divorced my husband of 6 years. I was not happy! I met him 1 month after I left my first husband, (who was an abuser), and married after 3 months . I now strongly believe my last husband was a rebound. I don't think I ever really fell in love. We have 3 beautiful children together, of which are the reason I stayed married for so long. He was a good husband, and we rarely faught in the beginning. I always had a part time job throughout our marriage, I always took care of the house, and other projects, including painting, mowing the lawn, cleaning... everything. He rarely helped around the house, except take the garbage to the end of the curb. He worked for the state, and had opportunities to move up and further his career, but never had a desire. We were always living pay check to paycheck. He made excuses to not go to college and pursue other careers. He had depression, and rarely talked about his problems, he hid it well. We struggled financially all throughout our marriage. My ultimate desire as a wife and mother, was to be a stay at home mom and raise our 3 children, and it didn't bother me that I took care of the home either. But 2 years ago, we made a decision to start a business, but turned out to be too hard for my husband to continue, he quit after a month. At that point he was unemployed. I started cleaning houses, and he started mowing lawns, and I realized just how lazy he was. If the weather was too bad, he would post pone his jobs. Or make an excuse that he needed better equipment. All while I was working nearly full time cleaning houses, of which was extremely difficult. I was not use to leaving my very young children (2yrs through 5 yrs of age) for long periods of time, and when I got home, my house was in shambles, and my kids were still in their pajamas. This was a very difficult transition, but I made the sacrifice for my family, and rarely nagged. We applied to several employment ads, but he didn't have much experience in anything. I soon landed a very difficult, and emotional job, but would pay the bills. We decided that my husband should go back to school. He took 3 1/2 semesters and told me they were 16 sometimes 18 credit hrs, but I never saw him do any school work. He was always late, or missed class, or forgot he had class. After his 3rd semester, he nearly failed a class, and the college almost didn't let him continue until he past his class. This was very discouraging on my part, because while this was going on, he never did any house chores, or helped with the kids. I later found out he skipped a few classes so he can go to the movies. I became very resentful and really hated my life. I was miserable, and I blamed him. We had various arguments here and there, and my husband became jealous of my job. It was obvious neither of us were happy, I think his depression was getting the best of him, but he never discussed it. He would play video games on his down time, instead of doing homework, or laundry. My days off, I was cleaning, doing laundry or running errands. He would always ask me to sit next to him to watch t.v., and it would drive me nuts, because he couldn't see just how much help I really needed around the house. We had a great lack in communication, because of his depression, I felt I needed to tread lightly to avoid hurting him, or tearing him down more. He needed more attention, and I needed more help around the house. We finally decided it was best he needed to get a job, regardless of what it was, and he would need to continue school after he could find one. At this point, I realized I was not in love, I was completely miserable. I was trying to be happy, but even intimacy was not enjoyable. We started counseling, and only had one appointment, but because of the holidays, they couldn't see us for over a month. Before we could make the next appointment, we both decided to seperate. He since tried to make things work. He has told me he is still in love with me. But I'm finished. I'm happy, but sad for the children. The divorce has been final for a few weeks.
Im 36 years old and im so unhappy im married been with him for 14 years we never spend time tother never go out im all ways at home with my 2 lovely kids i love my 2 boys so much i do everything for them but very unhappy his family dont like me coz i smoke and have tattoos on my boob i have had hell from him and his family 13 years of hell i dont drive i have cheated one's i cant be like this no more i no its going to end up bad im thinking of taking my kids go go some where where no one will no or find me i cant do it no more
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