An Unhappy Marriage: How to Know When It's Really Over
Posted: Sunday, August 06, 2006
by Larry Bilotta
Larry Bilotta
It's a fact. There are a lot of people who feel unhappy in their marriage. But the real question many of them are asking themselves is, how do I know when my marriage is really over?
Is it when your spouse says, "I don't love you anymore?" Is it after an affair takes place? How do you REALLY know? Keep reading to find out how to identify the warning signs that often indicate your spouse has given up on your marriage.
What is the Point of No Return in a marriage? Is there such a thing? After working with couples for over 11 years, I've identified a specific "path" that couples travel on the way to divorce. And at the end of this path is what I call...The Point of No Return.
But I'm getting ahead of myself...let me back up for a second.
In most cases, your marriage is NOT over when:
- Your spouse moves out
- When your spouse says the infamous, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore"
- When your spouse threatens you with divorce
And believe it or not, in some cases, your marriage is NOT even over when...your spouse files for divorce.
Your marriage is NOT over when your spouse begs, pleads, argues, screams, storms out of the house or turns the whole family against you.
Quite the contrary, The Point of No Return in a marriage IS confirmed when your spouse looks at you as if s/he were dead.
There is no life in your spouse's voice and no life in his/her eyes. Your spouse doesn't get angry with you. S/he simply tells you when the divorce papers are going to be served. S/he's already gone to the court house, found an attorney and has a service date set for the divorce proceedings.
Your marriage is most likely over when your spouse has made complete lists of assets and debts with your both of your names on them. Your spouse has already decided on the custody plan and cleaned out any bank accounts with their name and yours and closed all the credit cards that you share.
Your spouse has reached The Point of No Return when s/he already knows the courts require a 120 day waiting period and s/he has emotionally bolted him/herself in place for the long wait.
You've gone WAY beyond an "unhappy marriage" when your spouse has talked many times to the children about divorce and they are now either scared, angry, hurt, confused or emotionally shut down.
There's a good chance your marriage is over when your spouse doesn't care about how your children feel about it. S/he is only acting for his/her own survival at this point and s/he has repeatedly convinced him/herself that "The kids are good, they'll be fine." S/he may have even said that to friends and relatives.
This is the REAL Point of No Return. I've found that when your spouse has reached the Point of No Return, no one can save your marriage at this point. Not a priest, pastor or marriage counselor.
So How Did this Happen?
A marriage gets to this point because we live in a society that is convinced that once you are married, there is nothing you need to learn about marriage and nothing you need to practice.
All you need is love.
If you don't have love, then it's all your fault that your marriage failed. Because of this belief, you kept on doing exactly what you always did...your version of love.
You treated your spouse the same way your father treated your mother...or vice versa. You kept on doing the same thing and kept on getting the same results.
Your spouse could not help you to help him/her. No matter how many times s/he told you how to meet his/her needs, you couldn't hear...you just couldn't understand.
How do I know this?
I know it because every single divorce is built on the same system. When your emotional needs are not met in a marriage, anywhere from 1-3 of the situations listed below will begin to take place in your marriage.
Because you know virtually nothing about how to be married and how to support each other's needs, you have no way to stop these issues from happening:
- Affair
- Sex failure
- Communication break down
- No Loyalty
- In-Law problems
- Grew apart
- Fell out of love
- Blended family issues
- Abusive attitudes
- Depression
- Angry spouse
- No romance
- Ignores me
- Money problems
- Children problems
- Avoids me
If your spouse has not yet passed the Point of No Return, you can still save your marriage there is still hope for the two of you. But you need to do something TODAY to improve your unhappy marriage. Believe me, I get emails daily with stories about marriages that took a turn for the worst in a matter of WEEKS.
These people simply waited too long and before they knew it, their spouse had reached the Point of No Return. So my message to you is DON'T WAIT. Do something for your marriage TODAY...before it's too late. You can start by getting the FREE marriage advice you can use to fix your marriage at the http://www.marriage-success-secrets.com website.
Note: This article is not legal advice. It is not meant to replace marriage counseling.
Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you’re already on the "Secret Path" to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report here: overcome an unhappy marriage
This Article has been viewed 65,934 times. (Not updated in real-time.)
More commentsI am 25 yrs old and have been married for 3 1/2 years to my husband that i have been with for 8 years. We have two amazing children ages 4 and 2. I havent been happy in far to long. Our sex life has been non-existant since the day we got married. Besides that, he doesnt understand people work to pay bills. We are always behind and a few times have had major utilities shut off. I worry constantly about my children and the way he thinks is okay to live. We are broke because he chooses to spend money on things that arent needed for himself. I left him last summer, and after a month he cried and claimed he changed and understood that what he was doing was wrong. that he knew he needed to be home more, and more responsible with money ..and so on. So we moved home after another month he was back to the same crap. I am unhappy, lonely, and know that my children and I deserve better. I just dont know how. I guess i stil feel guilty but its the only way for him to understand he cant do this to us anymore. I spend my days either at work, or home with the kids, and cleaning. he doesnt show any responsibility with helping with anything, house work kids..ect. i am the only one employed right now, but instead of the kids being home with their father while i work, he sends them and pays a babysitter. i dont know what to do. i have lost all hope, and at this point i dont really care. my only concern is my children.
im so confused right now i dont know what to do
basically im 30 years old and iv been with my husband for 12 years from the age of 16. we have 5 beautiful kids together which i am very proud of. my problem is that unlike the previous posts, my husband is not a horrible man, the only problem i have with him is that the fact that he doesnt like to go out together, no romance etc etc....when i married him my family were against it especially my mother, she use to say i was too young and that i didnt know what i wanted in life......after our 8th anniversarie i did realise that he iss not the man for me,we are so diffrent its unbelivable we have stayed together for such a long time, the thing is that i do love him but i am most definetly not in love with him, my mother was right i was way to young to marry.....i want a husband that understands me, loves me so much that he would die for me just like i would for them...im so scared to leave because of my children number 1 and also what if i dont find my 'soul mate' what if there is not someone out there that is perfect for me, do i stay with my husband even though my heart is aching.....im only realising now after 12years of marriageI know how u feel we got married after being together for12 years
When I turned 30 I had an affair and left for 2 years
I fell in love but after 2 years he went back to his ex I was heart broken
Anyway long story short I went back to my husband worse thing I could of done
I'm not happy he's not happy and neither are our 3 boys we are always argueing we haven't slept in the same bed for 6 months and he is always angry I want to be excited when my partner comes home not hear his car pull up and dread him coming in the house ! I've tried to get him out and socialize but he would rather sit at home so we don't go out very offen together I can honestly say I don't love my husband ??
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for seven. Six years ago he moved 900 miles away to complete his degree. When the degree was finished he never came back home. His visits and contributions to our family have been intermittent. He says he's coming home, but never provides a definite date. He's missed birthdays and holidays. His visits are infrequent. He says he loves me and I love him. Neither one of us wants a divorce, but this is not a marriage. We have three children and more than anything I want them to have a good father and I want him to want to take care of me and the children. I stay because I'm scared to be a single mother, although in essence I already am. I stay b/c I love my husband. But in days like today when I feel like I am not respected and my love is not reciprocated, I wish I had the courage to leave.
I have been married less than a year. I got pregnant at 20 and had my son at 21. When i was pregnant, i was unhappy but i thought it was just the hormones. I was so excited to become a mother but was never really sure i was in love with my husband. He is a good man, a good father to our son. He treats us well, i find myself crying for no reason, i'm depressed and so lonely. I feel like i am wasting my life at 21. I know we aren't very compatible, we argue and we can't stand the sound of each others voices. I'm so afraid of leaving. I want to be happy, but i can't see that happening with my husband. I miss that feeling of being in love and that spark i felt with others i dated. I never felt that for my husband he always felt more like a friend,.I find myself wishing i was with someone else or just free. I feel trapped and isolated. He refused a trial of separation and i believe it will be good fo us because i am painfully unhappy. I used to be happy and always positive. I resent others and am insanely jealousy of happy couples. This isn't like me i have always been a kind person full of life and love. I need help and i don't know how to get it.
My husband of 22 years pimped me out 20 years ago, saying that we would lose our house if I didn't turn tricks. I was so scared that I did it for 2 years. I should have kicked him out then. Why didn't I? Now when I finally get up the nerve to tell him I'm not happy, he can't understand why. I am still so angry. How could he do that? Our relationship has gone down steadily since then.
I am a 45 and married 4 years and known my husband for 6 in a half years we are on a break and living in same house. Its very hard to do this, but i don' t have anywhere to. He can stay with his parents, but he does not want to go. He prefers me to leave the house instead. My husband has an anger problem and admits it, but will not go to an anger management class. His temper has made me resent him and made me not want to be affectionate or even want to be with him nor even talk about anything, because i know it will become an arguement, which will get him to a temper that creats the devil in him. It has gotten to the point that i am not sure i want to continue this marriage. Many years of this and marrige counceling has not really helped
Ok, I'm going to be honest, I have been married almost 3 years, and I have cheated. Not only have I cheated, but I don't care. I loved my husband and I have given up, but the crazy thing is that he doesnt seem to notice. I want to leave my husband for my ex, move in with him, and be happy. I know this would come as a huge blow for my husband and parts of me care and other parts dont. I am in this situation where I work and go to school. My husband works. His mom, grandfather, and nephews and us share a house. Im not sure whose name is on the papers for the house, I never signed anything and I never seen him sign anything. I do know that the utility bills are in his mothers name, I was never asked if I wanted to have abything in my name. When we first began living with his mother after our lease was up on our apartment, I was in hell. I suffered a miscarriage and he acted as if he didnt care. I lost my job, and school was suffering because of the things that were goign on at home. When we all moved to a bigger house together, things got worse. I was getting into it left and right with his family, without him taking up for me. This huge responsibility was silently placed on me to help raise his nephews. My family can see how different I am, I am now going through the motions. I feel nothing, I am ready for this to be over.
i am 47y.o married 15 year and together for 20, 4 great kids. i get high daily . my wife has now given me the ultimatum, can't live w me doing that., says it's changed me. it's been a problem on and off for years. i say, i don't come home and have 2 scotches, i just like to kick it w a couple hits at nitetime. she used to doit w me but has now turned. other problems, lack of sex . poor communication , power struggles, if it weren't for the kids, i'd be gone. i know other women that i like and would pursue, but i am thinking i really don't want to be divorced now w 4 kids 8-16. i am thinking wait till the youngest graduates is that a mistake? i read people say, life is short,.... when not be happy. i'll be 57 then!! fuk, i'd rather get started w that now..... but what about the kids.... Signed, Rip - Torn.
i am 47y.o male, married 15 years together for 20. 4 great kids 8-16. i get high (smoke pot) at nite after kids go to bed. i like it to take the edge off the day... then kick it and watch tv . she has decided now thats not ok, and can't live w it. she used to do it w me but -no more. i tell her, i don't come home and drink 2 scotches or a 6 pack like many i know.... other problems, power struggles, communication breakdowns, don't really like to do similar things. she can be very moody w a quick temper, and at times just unpleasant to be around. she says I've changed, i say we've both changed...we do marriage counseling, anyway, like others here.... just not so happy lately..... but don't want to be divorced w 4 kids , nor does she. I'm thinking wait till youngest graduates High school, is that wrong? 10 yrs. i'll be 57.... and i don't want to spend 10 yrs "waiting" who know what can happen in 10 yrs. i want to be enjoying life, i mean, it's not totally miserable, just not really bliss w her or happiness or togetherness unless its around/about the kids. but i think there is more out there, recently saw an old friend of mine and put her together (in my mind) with this dream i have to take off on a sailing adventure she is not married and could do it.....
but don't want to do that to my kids at these ages...i signed up to be a dad and i got 10 more years of that, (which i do love every day- its what keeps me here....) thanks for all your posts, you inspired me to write this. let me know what you think.... Signed, Rip-Torn
I married my husband when I was 18 and I was still in high school. I walked across the stage of graduation Married, Pregnant and moving half way across the country due to Uncle Sam..My husband's new boss. We had a wonderful marriage that we destroyed when we decided to open our doors to the possibly of an open marriage. As a last resort in learning how to communicate. It worked for the next four years things couldn't have been better. Then we close the door on that lifestyle and I think we inadvertent closed the door on or marriage as well. We are both in our early 30's and since sex is getting to hard to do the right way (with emotion) and since he could seem to only be intimate with me every three to four weeks; we have just decided to hold hands and attempt to find the another avenue of trying to locate the emotional communication that is lost.Love still lives, but the need to want to be in love fully and wholeheartedly has; what I think taken an extended break. neither one of us wants a divorce but I can tell him why I don't want one why does he have a hard time emotionally telling me why he doesn't as well? Is it just not important?
More comments
We want your comments! If you can read this, you don't have javascript enabled, so you can't use this comment system. Please enable javascript.